Tyler Omichinski, engaged to a woman, responds to a common question about bisexuals and commitment.
Being a bisexual in a committed relationship seems odd to a lot of people that I talk to. There is a bizarrely common refrain from both members of these relationships, and from outside observers; “What if you aren’t getting what you need?” Rather than being a genuine concern for a good relationship, it is instead a surreal observation that seems to suggest that bisexuals cannot commit to just one gender. That’s what they are talking about: it is difficult to comprehend how I, a bisexual male, could possible be happy with just a female. As an exercise in logic, this suggests that bisexuals simply cannot be engage in monogamous relationships. I sincerely hope this isn’t the case.
This is a bizarre state of affairs that I’ve both been in and heard of a number of times. Even friends of my fiancé have asked her whether it is something that she is concerned about. The disconnect, I suspect, occurs from a failure for the sides to communicate. Both homosexuals and heterosexuals are inherently only attracted to one “type,” for lack of a better way of putting it. There is an inherent difference in being attracted to both types. For people who do not understand it, the best way to explain it is that there is not an inherent desire for both sexes all the time, but rather a desire for a good partner who can be of either sex.
For people who do not understand it, the best way to explain it is that there is not an inherent desire for both sexes all the time, but rather a desire for a good partner who can be of either sex. |
The disconnect is definitely an odd one. I think it is tied to a presumption that if you like both, you must be missing out on one by choosing the other. To me, it is far more analogous to choosing one person above all others. It’s just another aspect of the person along with their personality, interests, and so on. For my fiancé and I, we know that we both want children. Thankfully, in this day and age my choice of a female for a partner was not a necessity for this decision. I suspect this factored in during an earlier portion of the calculus; I want a child or children down the road that, in turn, may have led to a preference in going on dates with females.
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The truth though is that I know it did not make a significant difference. I am madly and utterly in love with my fiancé. She’s wonderful, supportive, and we both try to always do right by each other. There may always be a gap in understanding between bisexuals in relationships with partners who are not bisexual; it is as hard for me to understand how people can be attracted to just one gender as it is for others to understand how I can be attracted to both.
I know it is not meant to be, but this questioning can feel like it speaks to the stereotypes about bisexuals that I have experienced. There seems to be a perception that we are transient, on the way to either of the relatively classic sexuality options. Even when it is not intended, I think it speaks internally to this perception of bisexuals. We are all afraid of being left, and to non-bisexuals the pool of options to be left for is just that much larger. To the bisexual though, this is just another example of a failure to understand.
This is already tied to the general stigma that plagues the homosexual community; the perceived hypersexuality of gay men. This has been a challenge for them to surmount, and now bisexuals of both genders are being perceived as being willing to sleep with just about anything. I am, personally, entirely unsure how this jump is made between an interest in the aesthetic form of both genders to the willingness to cheat. My fiancé suggests that it is because there is an inherent presumption that once an individual is willing to depart from the general norms of society there is an entire willingness to depart further.
Do I have a solution for this? As cliché as it is, I suppose all I can go with is to be understanding of each other and not presumptuous. This, however, can be a significant challenge throughout a lot of modern society. Even those within our LGBT community can be insensitive. But hopefully my experience will contribute to a more understanding and happier world, in it.
—Photo Nattu/Flickr
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